Queer as Tachi – Chapter 78
Mokuba was puttering around the kitchen in search of a snack when he heard his brother come back downstairs, and glanced to see that Seto had changed into jeans and a sleeveless black shirt. He gave his little brother a quick look before ducking into the fridge and coming away with a bottle of beer. Mokuba started to grin. “Where’s Alastair?”
“Taking a shower.” Kaiba passed through the kitchen and headed for the study, noticing that his little brother was following, a box of cookies in hand. The elder Kaiba went to his desk and put his laptop away in its briefcase, hoping to leave it there the rest of the day regardless of any work-related emergencies he might get called about. That done, he realized the scent of the cookies was making him hungry, too, so he returned to the kitchen and poked about, once again with Mokuba on his heels.
Within a few minutes, Alastair found them, all freshly-washed and looking fairly content with himself, combing a hand through his wet hair to keep it properly styled. His clothing had been returned to him from the laundry, so he was dressed again in comfortable jeans and a green camouflage shirt that looked a size too small for him. Kaiba’s eyes went to him immediately, even though he was in the middle of a drink. Alastair was about to go and put his hands all over him, but then he noticed Mokuba sitting at the small breakfast table and just smiled. “Hey,” the younger Kaiba greeted him. “All better now?”
“Much better. I feel like a new man.” Alastair still went to stand beside Seto, but was content to lean on the edge of the counter along with him. “Sleep, sun, and clean clothes. All I could have ever asked for.” He flicked Kaiba a gentle look. “Thanks.”
Seto acknowledged his gratitude with the briefest flash of a smile across his lips before he went back to his beer. Mokuba still wore that sneaky grin of his, especially after seeing the look that had just passed between the two men. “You had sex, didn’t you?”
Both turned to him, startled, their cheeks flushing red. “Mokuba!” Seto scolded him with a sharp tone. “That’s none of your business, and rude of you to even ask.”
“Oh, come off it,” Mokuba sighed, popping another bite-sized cookie in his mouth. “You think I can’t tell? It’s totally obvious. The way you’re standing there, looking all cool, wearing that shirt…” He shook his head wearily. “You never wear that shirt. And you never drink in the afternoon, even on a Sunday.”
Seto and Alastair shared an apprehensive glance, and Alastair tossed his head in a shrug. “There’s no sense in denying it, if he’s that observant. He knows you too well.”
Kaiba sighed in aggravation, setting his bottle on the counter beside him. “Fine. Yes, we had sex. All right? But you’re not getting any more out of me than that.”
“You don’t have to be all shy and prudish about it, brother,” Mokuba grinned. “It’s okay. You already told me you and Alastair have had sex before, it’s not like it’s a big shock.” His smile softened, and he looked up at Alastair. “Besides, I like you guys together. You look more relaxed when Alastair’s around, bro.”
Seto gave Alastair another glance, noticing that Alastair had picked up his beer and taken a sip of it. “What? I do not,” he scoffed.
“Do so.” Mokuba waved a hand dismissively. “You may not want to admit it to yourself, but it’s true. And it’s fine, really. I approve of it. I like Alastair.” He smiled up at the foreigner, who smiled kindly back, even though Kaiba had just swiped his beer back. “And I don’t have a problem with him being a guy, either,” Mokuba pointed out. “Come to think of it, an awful lot of the people I know outside school, people your age, are either gay or bi. It’s not really a big scary thing anymore, it’s fine.”
Kaiba narrowed his eyes in a curious frown. “What do you mean? People my age?”
“Like Yugi, and most of his friends.” Mokuba happily munched away at cookies as he talked. “I hung out with them at Yugi’s birthday party, it’s really kind of funny. Yugi and the pharaoh aren’t the only ones together, Tristan and Duke Devlin are in a relationship and I think I heard Bakura say something all lovey-dovey to Marik on the phone when he called.”
Both of the older men stared at him, though only Kaiba knew the names being tossed at him and was having a hard time picturing some of them paired up. “Really?” he wondered. “That can’t be right.”
“Oh yeah, it is. In fact, Téa had a major fit when she found out about Duke and Tristan. It was really bad,” the younger Kaiba murmured with a shake of his head. “She accused Yugi of spreading gayness around his friends like it was a disease, she made him cry. I felt really bad sitting there, because I kept thinking of you and how everything she said about them, she was saying about you, too.” He gazed up at his brother. “I know you like to keep personal things to yourself, and that’s okay. Just don’t do it because you’re afraid I’m going to react like she did. I care about you, big brother, and if it’s a guy who makes you happy, I’m all for it.”
Seto’s shoulders relaxed, though he said nothing about the revelations of Yugi’s friends’ personal lives. He didn’t care about that bunch, but it was curious information. He glanced aside at Alastair, feeling the young man’s hand come to rest on his back and caress lightly. “Unfortunately,” Alastair said, “a lot of people in this world have that kind of reaction.”
“I know.” Mokuba shrugged. “But I already got a lecture from Seto about that, so I know better.”
Kaiba just raised his bottle to his lips again. Alastair gave Mokuba a questioning look. “What was that you said about Yugi being gay, though? I didn’t realize he was.”
“I think he’s bi.” Mokuba blithely chattered about other people’s sexual orientation as if it were the weather. “Yeah, he is. He and the pharaoh from the Puzzle are in a relationship, sort of. It’s kind of weird, I don’t know how to explain it, but I hung out with them at the party so it’s not like I can pretend it isn’t real.”
“The pharaoh!” Alastair’s jaw dropped. “You’re kidding me!”
“Nope. But that’s not the weirdest part.”
“Mokuba,” Seto said warningly.
“What? If Alastair hangs out around here long enough, he’s going to run into them just like we have,” his younger brother reasoned. “You can’t deny it, bro, even if it’s freaky magic stuff. But Alastair probably gets freaky magic stuff more than you do.”
Kaiba winced and sighed, shaking his head. “I want no part of this discussion.” Yet, he didn’t move from where he stood, leaning languidly on the counter, a beer in one hand and Alastair’s hand on his back.
Alastair continued to stare at Mokuba in question. “Magic stuff? It wouldn’t surprise me, that’s the pharaoh’s claim to fame. He has immense power.”
“All I know is,” Mokuba explained, “somehow, by some magic ritual with the Puzzle, they’ve learned how to set his spirit free and give him a body. But it’s only a temporary thing, like once a month. It happened on the day of Yugi’s birthday, so I actually saw the pharaoh walking around with him, hanging out with us and eating at the party and everything.” He faintly grinned. “It’s pretty cool, actually.”
Alastair leaned his back against the counter, folding his arms as he pondered this development. “Well, I’ll be. I had no idea it was possible.” He glanced briefly at Seto, knowing that he was not about to admit to even hearing what Mokuba said, much less confirm that Yugi and the pharaoh could be seen in separate bodies. “I guess, though. Dartz knew about the pharaoh, he was our target all along, not just little Yugi. I suppose, if he grew to love the kid and wanted to be with him, he’d find a way to make it work using his powers.”
“I don’t understand it,” Mokuba admitted, “but I’m not about to say it isn’t real. I’ve seen them with my own eyes. And they’re totally in love with each other, it’s cute. Like, sickeningly cute. If they weren’t my friends I’d be really annoyed with the way they were hanging all over each other.”
Kaiba let out a snort at that, considering he had once said something like that to them himself. Alastair wore a serious look as he continued to think. “You know…maybe I should look him up,” he mused. “I owe Yugi an apology, and maybe more, for screwing up his life.”
Seto eyed him. “You never did anything to Yugi. It was me you were after.”
Alastair shook his head. “I broke into his game shop and smacked his grandfather around, and stole the Egyptian god cards from him,” he confessed. “Not to mention, I was part of Dartz’s plan. I feel somewhat responsible for everything he did to Yugi and the pharaoh.”
“Don’t,” Kaiba said sharply. “Dartz was a maniac who manipulated you. You weren’t in your right mind, you can’t possibly expect to be responsible for his reign of terror. Get over it.”
Alastair sighed softly. “Maybe so. But I do still feel like I should clear the air with Yugi. Moreso with the pharaoh. If he comes out of the Puzzle once in a while, maybe I could meet him and tell him face to face that I’m sorry for the part I played in harming him and his vessel.” He looked back at Mokuba. “Do you know when this happens to them?”
Mokuba shook his head. “I didn’t ask. I just know it’s once a month.”
“On the full moon.” Both of the others looked at Kaiba in wonder. He frowned back at them. “He told me, once.”
“I think that’s coming up, soon,” Alastair realized. “I’d like to see him. Maybe I should just do it, as long as I’m going to be hanging out here doing nothing for a few days.”
“I have his phone number,” Kaiba said curtly. “He’s working for me, in a sense.”
Once again, Alastair turned to him with his eyebrows about to fly right off his head. “What?”
“He’s consulting on my video game.” Seto turned a passive look to his partner. “Why else did you think he was in my office that day when the earthquake hit?”
“I…honestly don’t know. All right, then.” Alastair nodded firmly. “I’ll do that, tomorrow.”
They settled down to have a fairly normal dinner together, and Alastair deftly avoided having to talk about personal matters again by quizzing Mokuba about his classes and schoolmates and other things that mattered to him. Keeping Mokuba talking was not hard to do, though Kaiba noted as he sat between the two of them that Alastair seemed to be taking genuine interest in what his little brother had to say. After dinner, Mokuba retired to his room again to finish his homework, ostensibly leaving Seto and Alastair with more alone-time, though he didn’t say as much to their faces. It was a good thing, too, for Kaiba had decided that he hadn’t had enough of Alastair yet – the taste only made him want more – so they sequestered themselves in Seto’s room and fell into bed together after slowly and teasingly stripping each other of their clothes. Alastair was quite pleased to discover that Kaiba was well prepared, and kept what they needed in the bedside table now instead of the bathroom, eliminating the need to get out bed once they had gotten there. They took their time and enjoyed one another fully, taking it more slowly than they had in the heat of the afternoon so that both could claim satisfaction when they finally tired and fell onto each other, disheveled and sweaty and unwilling to move. Kaiba got up to clean up, as per his nature, but came back to the bed right away and sat down on the side, his side, smiling indulgently as Alastair prowled up from under the sheets and clutched him from behind, pressing tired kisses to his shoulder. “That was incredible,” he commented. “I can’t believe you. If you would have asked me a year ago, I would have never believed you capable of such a voracious sexual appetite.”
Seto grinned smugly to himself. “I’m not as boring as you think. I just needed an opportunity.”
“Oh, is that all I am to you?” But Alastair was only teasing, by the lilt in his voice. He slid his hands down over Kaiba’s trim stomach and rested his chin on his shoulder, settling comfortably against him. “Well. This is a far cry from where we stood the first moment we met.”
“Lucky for you,” Kaiba muttered, “you came to your senses in time. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be here.”
“I owe a lot to you,” Alastair admitted quietly, “and not just my life, after yesterday. You were right, you know.”
Kaiba shot him a wary look over his shoulder. “About what?”
“You did save me.”
A short, gruff chuckle heaved Kaiba’s shoulders. “Saved your sorry ass from my crashed plane, maybe.” His voice dropped significantly. “Anything else…I didn’t do anything…”
Alastair shifted his head in order to look at Kaiba, his gray eyes full of question. “Why don’t you want to accept the reality of certain mystical events?” he asked out of the blue.
Kaiba turned toward him in surprise, making Alastair need to lift his head. “What kind of a stupid question is that? I have a rather firm grip on reality, thank you.”
“That’s not what I mean.” Alastair shook his head slowly. “This afternoon, when Mokuba told me about the pharaoh, you got that same bristling reaction you have every time someone talks about magic or souls or destiny. There’s so much evidence before you – you’ve seen things no one else on this planet have seen, except for Yugi and a few select others.” He sat back a little on his heels and withdrew, keeping one hand on Kaiba’s thigh. “How can you still dismiss it all as nothing?”
Seto gave a long, tired sigh and looked away. “Why are you going on about that? It doesn’t matter.”
“It matters to me.” Alastair drew away from him completely and sat back, tugging a corner of the sheet around his waist. “That ‘magic stuff’ as your brother put it consumed my life for many years, and is the whole reason we met.”
Kaiba didn’t look at him. “I thought we met because you had an all-encompassing need to seek revenge on me for what my step-father did to your family.”
“Yeah, well…” Alastair bowed his head regretfully. “That was only my excuse, the reason Dartz let me have that assignment instead of one of the others. He knew about that, and told me to use it to my advantage, in order to take down one of the chosen duelists who could oppose him. My purpose, my orders to find you, were only to take your soul.”
“So, what.” Kaiba leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees as he sat on the edge of the bed, still. “If I dismiss that as a ridiculous notion and concentrate on practical matters, like, oh, maybe, saving my little brother and taking back my company…” He shot Alastair another quick look. “Does that bother you?”
The young man sighed. “It just makes you sound pathetic, is all.”
That word never failed to get Kaiba’s attention. He whirled around in his seat, fixing Alastair with a perturbed glare. “Why am I the pathetic one, when you’re the one going on about taking souls and ‘magic stuff?’”
“Because it was all right there in front of your face, and you refused to accept that it was real. And you still don’t.” Alastair sat back heavily on his hands. “I’m not trying to be confrontational, Seto, I just don’t understand you. You saw it. You saw the Seal take my soul. You stood next to the pharaoh and fought Dartz, you saw the Leviathan. And from what I gather, that’s the least of the things you’ve seen after all your brushes with the pharaoh. How can you still say that it’s…I don’t even know what you tell yourself it really is.”
Kaiba’s rankled stance eased a little, though his eyes remained narrowed with displeasure. “I don’t tell myself anything,” he muttered stiffly. “I just don’t think on it at all.”
Alastair lifted his eyes cautiously to his partner’s face. “What about the pharaoh? If he has the ability now to walk among us, and you’ve run into him that way…”
A twitch of discomfort passed through Kaiba, making him avert his gaze. “I don’t pretend to understand it. I don’t know what the hell is going on there, and frankly, I don’t want to know. Yes, I accept that he exists,” he added with a put-upon sigh. “Unlike hallucinations and holograms, I can’t deny that or I would look like an idiot, considering he’s right there in front of me, talking to me. But as for who he is and where he came from…I don’t care. As long as he keeps his nose out of my business, I can tolerate his existence.”
Alastair relented, lacing his fingers together in his lap and staring down at them. “There’s a connection of some kind between you two. And before you open your mouth to deny it,” he added quickly, seeing as Kaiba was doing that exact thing, “do me a favor and listen for a change. Dartz knew it, somehow. How do you think he knew to target you? He didn’t want your stupid company, that was just to get your attention. That was my idea,” he threw in sullenly.
Kaiba’s eyes widened. “You told him to steal my company from me?” he seethed.
“It was an easy target,” Alastair said flippantly. “I didn’t know where your other weaknesses lay. I still don’t. I suggested it, and he ran with it. Anyway,” he sighed, trying to get back to what he wanted to say, “you weren’t his target because of your dueling skills, much as you may want to believe that. He said it was your destiny, that you had a connection to the pharaoh that went back ages, though he never said what it was about. That’s how you ended up with one of the dragons…they don’t hand those out for winning tournaments, you know.”
As his partner fell silent, Kaiba kept his mouth shut. It had become instinct to just shoot his mouth off in denial, to dismiss any notion of him having any kind of destiny reliant on the rumored pharaoh, but he had, as Alastair surmised, seen too much. He hated the visions of the past that still haunted him, outwardly calling them hallucinations and mind tricks while inwardly being unable to forget a single one. And then there was that big stone tablet in the museum. He resented any destiny that he hadn’t forged himself, though as time went on, he was finding it more difficult to deny that there was some reason outside of being Duel Monsters-obsessed gamers that caused him to continually be dragged into weird circumstances alongside Yugi. Smacking headlong into each other at tournaments was one thing; god cards, Millennium Items, disappearing dragons, and having his soul wrenched from his body no less than twice was quite another. Unable to condense this rambling, conflicting ponderance into a single comment that would end the conversation, Kaiba settled for a long silence and then a skillful deflection. “I make my own destiny,” he said firmly. “Whatever Dartz thought, I don’t care. His theories didn’t get him anywhere, did they? He’s gone. You and I and the world are still here.”
“How do you know?” Alastair gazed across the bed at him with keen eyes. “What makes you believe that you don’t have a connection with the pharaoh? Or that something from the past is coming around again?”
Seto gazed sulkily at him. “Because of who I am, and where I came from.” His gaze took on a shade of pointed curiosity. “You claimed once that you knew every little thing about me.”
“Well, mostly. Not much is public knowledge,” Alastair shrugged. “What your company bio says, what the dueling world knows about you thanks to tournaments. I had to go beyond that in order to find the best way to lure you out to Pegasus’ island.” His expression relaxed, and he sat back again. “I don’t know how you gained control of KaibaCorp at a young age, or anything prior to that. Except for what you and your brother have told me…that you were orphaned, like I was.”
Kaiba lowered his gaze to where his hands fidgeted uncomfortably in his lap. “Does that mean you’re asking?”
Alastair blinked at him for a moment, and then crawled a little closer to him across the bed. “I want to know, Seto,” he said more gently. “I want to know what made you into the man you are.”
As the red-haired young man settled down beside him, holding the sheet modestly around his waist, Kaiba considered it and then began to speak, his voice low and calm. “Yes, Mokuba and I were placed in an orphanage when we were young. Our parents died, we had no choice. It has always been my duty to look after him, since that day. He’s five years younger than I am, I knew he wouldn’t be able to make it without me.”
Alastair gazed sympathetically at him. “What happened?”
“I…don’t remember.” Kaiba stared at the blanket in front of him as if trying to bore holes in it with his eyes. “I only have vague impressions of our parents. Mokuba doesn’t remember them at all, except as a concept. He knew he had parents, and they loved him, and then they were gone and it was just us. We raised ourselves, I’m the only parent he’s really had.”
“What about Gozaburo?”
Kaiba’s eyes darkened with long-retained anger. “That bastard doesn’t count,” he growled. “He wanted nothing to do with Mokuba, it was me he wanted. I was intended to be his heir, but he couldn’t have me without getting Mokuba in the deal. He didn’t raise me, either…he groomed me for a life of power. As far as I’m concerned, ‘step-father’ is only his legal title. He wasn’t a father to either of us.”
Alastair pondered that for a silent moment. “Do you remember anything prior to being stuck in that orphanage?” he asked, steering away from the subject that was making Kaiba so viciously angry. “After all, you can’t really deny having any kind of connection to an Egyptian pharaoh if you don’t know your birth parents’ history or family.”
Seto blinked absently, his gaze still unfocused as he thought. “I don’t remember anything of value,” he murmured after a bit. Whatever he did remember, it was one of few things he refused to share with anyone, no matter how close they got to him. “It’s not really important now, is it?”
“Well…” Alastair cocked his head curiously. “The fact that you and Mokuba were dumped off as orphans instead of taken into custody by some aunt or grandparent is fairly mysterious. You have no other family remaining, outside of the adopted name?”
“I guess not.” Kaiba had never really thought about that, but for now, his mind shelved the detail. “But I’m pretty sure I’m not descended from anyone Egyptian,” he added with a derisive snort. “If you hadn’t noticed, I don’t have Egyptian features.”
“I know that,” Alastair snorted right back, reaching up to comb his fingers through Seto’s brown hair. “You have very European blue eyes,” he said with some affection.
Seto lowered his head and leaned instinctively into the touch. “So what do you make of that, smartass?”
Alastair continued gently caressing through his hair. “It doesn’t mean anything. It’s been how many thousands of years? There’s no way of telling exactly how you’re connected, it doesn’t have to be a direct descending line or anything.” He sidled even closer, so he could rest against Kaiba’s shoulder and keep stroking his hair. “So, you were adopted by Gozaburo Kaiba and made his heir. Something tells me it wasn’t so simple.”
Kaiba accepted his partner’s closeness by slumping against him, letting Alastair curl himself around him and rub his fingers soothingly along the back of his neck. “I had no illusions about it. I knew he didn’t want a son, he wanted another lackey. He exhausted his time and money training me up to take over Kaiba Corporation someday…but he didn’t foresee that that day would be sooner than he wanted.” He paused and glanced at the young man beside him. “You’re sure you want to hear all this?”
“As much as you’re willing to tell me.” Alastair gave him a small smile. “You know my sordid history, it’s only fair.” His eyes grew serious. “What was it like? You say he didn’t care about Mokuba…”
“He didn’t care about either of us,” Kaiba said flatly. “Look…” He turned his head to regard Alastair. “I’m not telling you this to gain your sympathy. I don’t want it, and I don’t need it. I have no regrets about the way I’ve lived my life, and I don’t sit around pouting all the time because I didn’t have a daddy who loved me.”
“I never said you did.” Alastair met his eyes unflinchingly. “I’m just wondering if he ruined your life as much as he did mine.”
Seto looked away again. “I won’t say it was a smooth ride. It was especially tough on Mokuba, but he kept his chin up. At least the brunt of Gozaburo’s harsh treatment fell on me instead of him – Mokuba had the pleasure of being overlooked, most of the time.” He glared at the far wall. “I was old enough by that time to have already made myself who I wanted to be, I let his browbeating and controlling slide right off my back. He may have thought he was using me to get what he wanted, but in reality, I was the one using him.” His blue eyes flickered with memory. “I just gritted my teeth and bore it. In time, my opportunity to take his company from him arose, and I jumped on it.”
He told Alastair a brief version of the story of his underhanded trickery to buy out Gozaburo and take control of KaibaCorp, not sure whether to expect a disappointed or impressed reaction from his lover. Alastair listened without prejudice, cocking the slightest smile at the thought of Gozaburo Kaiba being outwitted by a child, and said nothing until it was clear Kaiba was done speaking. “What was it you wanted out of the company?” he wondered. “Power, like you always talk about? The money?”
“Nothing so base,” Kaiba sniffed. “Power isn’t a goal, it’s a tool. Power begets more power. And I don’t care about money. There’s only one thing I needed…becoming head of KaibaCorp was probably an extreme means of getting it, but it works fine for me.”
Alastair peered at him. “What would that be?”
Kaiba drew his knees up to his chest and rested his arms on them, gazing blankly at the bed between his feet. “You should know by now.”
Alastair searched his memory for an earlier part of the conversation. “Mokuba,” he said after a moment.
Seto nodded. “The only thing I’ve ever wanted out of life is to provide for him, to take care of him like I promised us both when we were dropped off on the doorstep of that orphanage. No matter what lengths I had to go to.” His voice dropped in volume. “No matter what sacrifices I had to make.”
Alastair ceased combing his fingers through Kaiba’s hair and circled both arms around his chest. “Sacrifices, huh?” he mused. “It doesn’t look like it was too bad, considering where you are now.”
Kaiba closed his eyes. “Maybe I wasn’t the best big brother I could be. Maybe I lost a few things I shouldn’t have. But Mokuba has grown up safe, and the way I want him to – not the way Gozaburo wanted. I’ve let him make decisions, and play his own part. I won’t keep him under my thumb like Gozaburo tried to do to me.”
“And he’s got his amusement park, right?” Alastair smiled again. “Looks like you’ve kept all your promises to him after all. Though, I’m sure you’re not exactly sad about having all that money, either.”
“Only if it means I can give Mokuba everything he needs, without having to worry about how.” Seto’s blue eyes opened, though they remained cast down. “I might have spoiled him a bit when we were both younger, but I’ve made up for it. I just want him to have everything I promised him. He wants for nothing, now…”
“Yes, you’ve done quite well, for the both of you,” Alastair conceded. “You’ve reached the top, you’ve gotten everything you wanted.” He studied the downcast face beside him. “Or have you?”
Kaiba shook his head. “Whatever I want now is of no consequence. Those are my goals, and I’ll pursue them my way.”
“I’m sure you will.” Alastair sat back a bit, taking his arms from around Seto and just brushing his back with the backs of his fingers instead. “At least, it all makes sense now.”
Kaiba glanced at him. “What does?”
“You.” The red-haired young man shrugged a little. “Our pasts aren’t so different. You had to put on a brave front, right? Being alone, not sure what was going to happen from one day to the next…you had to shut yourself off and be strong for Mokuba, so you’d survive. I probably would have done the same…if I hadn’t been plucked out of the refugee camps at just the right moment and had my anger deliberately inflamed.” He sighed and dropped his hand. “Michael was so sure someone big and strong like his superhero was going to come and save us, I didn’t have the heart to tell him the real world didn’t work that way. I was the only one who was going to save him, by taking care of him…and I couldn’t even do that.”
Kaiba looked more carefully at his partner’s sudden flinch of emotion. “And what would a scrawny pre-teen have done against an army with tanks and rifles?” he wondered, though his voice was soft as he said it.
Alastair kept his eyes down while they burned with unshed tears. “You vowed to take care of Mokuba no matter what, didn’t you?”
“But I never had to worry about war and death.” A thought crossed Seto’s mind, and he said it even though he probably shouldn’t have. “Except for a certain plane crash needing to be averted.”
“I’m willing to bet that’s not the only time you’ve saved Mokuba,” Alastair demurred.
Another thought, even more sobering, and this one he didn’t feel like sharing. “I haven’t always been able to,” Kaiba said very quietly, leaving it at that.
Alastair studied him but decided to let it go. “When it comes down to it,” he said soberly, “all you two have is each other. You, especially. You don’t have friends, you don’t have…well,” he coughed modestly, “a life partner. You haven’t made your company your whole life. All you really have is Mokuba, to take care of and watch out for. And all he has is you.”
Hearing his innermost thoughts spoken aloud like that made Kaiba suddenly frown, pushing down the creeping fingers of some unnamed emotion that rose within him. “We’ve never needed anyone else,” he said bitterly. “I’ve been there for him, I’ve given him everything and protected him. And we’ve been over the other part before. I choose to live this way, it suits me.”
“I can see why.” Alastair gingerly placed a hand on his arm. “It’s how you had to be. That’s what you sacrificed, isn’t it? Your happiness.”
“Don’t be ridiculous.” But Kaiba would not look at him now. “You don’t know what makes me happy…”
The hand on his arm slid caressingly to his shoulder. “I know one thing that does.” Alastair glanced at him, and decided the moment did not call for seduction, no matter how naked they both were. “You put these walls up when you were just a kid, when you had to be strong for Mokuba. You think I haven’t done the same? But you don’t need to be so defensive anymore. You’ve made it, Seto. You’ve done everything you said you would.”
Kaiba chuckled dryly. “Defensive? Me?”
“Attitude notwithstanding.” Alastair nodded. “Yes, defensive. On your guard, never letting anyone see the real you. I can understand how it would have been important, having to stand up for yourself and for Mokuba. Not showing weakness to Gozaburo Kaiba. It’s only natural, if you were abused like that.”
Kaiba suddenly turned toward him, clenching a fist. “I never said I was abused!” he blazed. “Don’t make me out to be some kind of victim. I’m not, I’m fine! I never let Gozaburo get to me…”
Alastair placed a hand up, palm forward, and rested it so it appeared to deflect Kaiba’s fist. “Emotional abuse is still abuse,” he said sharply. “He treated you like shit, and you only built your walls even higher to withstand it. I’m not calling you a victim, you’re not.” His tone softened, as did his expression. “But if you think you weren’t affected by it at all, you’ve been lying to yourself all this time. Everything in life shapes us whether we want it to or not.”
Kaiba’s hand relaxed, and he settled back in his original position, letting one leg drape off the side of the bed now. “I didn’t sit back and let him torture me,” he grumbled, sounding a bit pouty. “I chose to keep my wits, to never listen to him when he told me I was trash and only by his good graces was I going to get anywhere. I got where I am by my own strength, I didn’t need him or anybody.”
“I know.” His partner gentled his tone considerably. “You’re strong, Seto. And proud, there’s no mistake. You made the choices you had to make, in order to rise above it all. And now that you have…you can let go.” He shifted just enough to capture Kaiba’s eyes with his, to meet that reluctant gaze. “Who do you have to guard against now? There’s no need to keep your defenses up…unless you’d truly rather be alone.”
Seto winced and looked away from those powerfully astute gray eyes. “I’ve made it this far in life alone…except for Mokuba.” He lifted his head slightly. “What do you call this?”
“I don’t know what to call it.” Alastair looked away also, at a random spot on the opposite wall. “You’ve never said how you feel about me. It is pretty remarkable that you’ve told me as much as you have. No one ever gets this close to you, do they?”
Kaiba closed his eyes once again. “I’ve never asked for anyone to be close to me, or to understand me. I don’t care. I don’t need a critique on how I live my life.” His eyes opened slightly, enough to cast a sullen look at his foot on the bed. “But need isn’t the same as want, is it?”
Alastair cracked a wan smile, hearing his own platitude repeated back to him, and then put his arms around Seto, resting his cheek on his partner’s shoulder. “After all this time…I’m finally able to see your heart,” he softly murmured. “I know I said once that I couldn’t see any evidence of one. The walls are open just enough now for me to see in your eyes, and hear in your voice, that you do have a heart after all…” He pressed a kiss there, to Kaiba’s shoulder. “…and it’s as raw and tender as anyone else’s.”
Kaiba’s breath caught in his throat. “What are you talking about?” he tiredly protested.
Alastair moved even closer, hugging him about the chest and leaning his head against Kaiba’s from behind. “It’s the thing you don’t want anyone to see,” he said wisely. “Hidden behind those walls is ten-year-old Seto, lost, alone, scared…not knowing how he’s going to take care of his little brother, only that he has to, somehow. Outside, you’re strong, you’ve done everything right, but you’re still guarding yourself…the way you were when your world came crashing down.”
He looked up, and gave a small start when he realized those were tears glistening in the blue eyes that refused to look his way. Seto was not trembling, grimacing, protesting, or railing against their presence, he only sat there in blank silence, staring at nothing. Alastair pulled back slightly. “Oh…Kaiba, um…sorry,” he said sheepishly. “It wasn’t my intention to bring up anything painful, I didn’t want to hurt you…”
It was too late, Kaiba thought. Alastair had gotten too close and touched a raw nerve, though the longer he sat there not responding, trying not to think about it, the easier it became to hold his composure, though his eyes still swam. He could picture the fortress inside his heart, and the wide-eyed, brown-haired boy of ten behind the walls, looking desperately around as if some dark enemy had breached the safety and was hunting for him. Then, Kaiba felt the sheets tug beneath him and the bed jostle. “Maybe we should call it a night,” Alastair mumbled, sliding across the bed and making to get up.
Kaiba lifted his head. “Are you…going?” He couldn’t believe how quiet and hurt his voice sounded. “Don’t.”
Alastair paused on the other side of the bed, looking back. “Seto?”
“Don’t go,” Kaiba said morosely. “I’m asking you to spend the night with me.”
“You sure you want me to?” Alastair looked mournful as well. “After what I said?”
“Let’s just forget about it,” Kaiba said, a little more firmly. “I don’t care. Just…” He caught himself, reconsidered, and then blurted it out anyway. “…don’t leave me alone.”
Alastair eased himself back on the bed and crawled back to where he had started, only reaching out a hand and touching Kaiba cautiously on the arm. “I’m sorry. I pushed too hard. We don’t have to talk about it anymore.”
Seto remained where he was, sitting on the side of the bed with one leg hanging over, the other curled beneath him, his hands limp, his gaze distant. All he did was give a tiny shake of his head. “Why are you with me?” he questioned. “You know what kind of man I am. What do you see in me?”
His partner smiled faintly, and began to run his hand up and down his arm. “I have to wonder, sometimes. You’re not easy to get along with.” His shoulder twitched in a little shrug. “We’ve only been together a handful of times.”
“You’re not moving to Japan for the job market.” Kaiba finally looked his way, but kept his eyes low, studying the hand softly brushing his arm. “How do you know I’m not just using you, because you’re good in bed?”
“I don’t,” Alastair replied. “And I’m aware of that. I know what you’re capable of, but it doesn’t scare me.”
Kaiba sniffed. “You’re so desperate for companionship that you’re willing to put up with any amount of abuse from me just to get it?” He eyed Alastair warily. “You’re a pretty young thing. You could probably have anyone you wanted. I’ll bet there’s dozens of European millionaires who’d jump at the chance to have themselves a hot young sex toy like you, and they’d throw any amount of money at you to keep you happy. You don’t have to put up with my shit.”
“Goes to show what you know,” Alastair said in the same dry tone. “I don’t care about your money. I never did. Sure, the sex is great, but…that’s not why I keep coming back to you.” He lowered his eyes in what seemed to be a shy manner. “As long as you don’t shut the door in my face, I’ll keep coming back. You do realize that, don’t you?”
“The thought had occurred to me.” Kaiba glanced at the hand on his arm again, now still. “If you ever give me a reason to shut the door in your face, you can bet I will.”
“I know.”
“Then…why?” Kaiba glared at the hand on his arm. “What do you want from me?”
Alastair heaved a short chuckle. “You just begged me not to leave you alone, and now you’re questioning why I’m not? Man, you’re confused.”
Kaiba looked away sharply, grimacing in embarrassment. “You didn’t have to say yes.”
“Then why did you ask me, if I had the option of saying no and going to the guest room for a good night’s sleep?”
There was no answer to that, at least none that Kaiba was going to openly give. He didn’t understand why himself, only that he felt an instinctive need to have Alastair close to him, to be able to hold him and feel that he was real, really there, really wanting to be with him and not running away from him. As much as he considered Alastair might like to know that, Seto could not bring himself to say it. They sat in sullen silence for a while, next to each other, no longer touching, as Alastair curled his legs under him on the bed and settled into a defeated slump. With his face still turned away, Kaiba finally murmured, “You haven’t answered my question.”
Alastair shook his head slowly. “I have an answer, but I don’t know if you want to hear it.”
“I think I can take it,” Kaiba grumbled. “I’m tougher than you think.”
“Oh, it’s not that kind of answer,” his partner said sardonically.
“Try me.”
Alastair sighed softly, deciding not to hold back. It was only fair, considering what he had done to Seto. “You asked me once before and I said then that I didn’t know how I felt, other than that I cared about you. I don’t know why I do, it doesn’t make any sense. I know you’re hard, and cold, and could just be using me. I know you’re bitter and cynical and have issues. So do I, really, but…” He felt Kaiba’s eyes focus on him, though he didn’t raise his head to meet them. “I guess what I’m trying to say is…I’m not stupid. I know full well what you’re like and that you’re probably never going to care about me the way I do you. But it hasn’t stopped me from feeling these things about you.” He shook his head again, wearily. “So, like a sad little puppy, I keep coming back. I keep looking for some kind of sign from you that you won’t push me away. So far, so good. I’m just going to keep doing it until you finally get sick of me and kick me out.”
He looked up to find Kaiba just gazing at him, his expression unreadable. “What is that supposed to mean?” he asked. “You don’t expect this to last?”
“I haven’t looked that far ahead,” Alastair replied. “I choose to live in the now. And if you want me to stay with you tonight even though I pushed you too far and stirred up your emotions…then of course I’m going to say yes. I want to. I don’t want to be apart from you right now.”
Something in his voice as he said it made Kaiba shiver, feeling something twinge inside his chest. “You…”
“Because I love you.” It came out of nowhere, but neither of them recoiled. They sat and let it sink in before Alastair took a breath and continued. “Whether you love me in return, or whether there’s any way to make it work between us, I don’t know, but at the moment I don’t really care. It’s finally clear to me, even though it still doesn’t make any sense. That abrasive personality of yours does make it hard for me to see sometimes what it is about you that I love, but…I still do.”
Kaiba laughed nervously. “You’re crazy. You couldn’t possibly…”
He stared at Alastair, but the young man lifted his head and gave him a placid look that said it was all true. The mocking air evaporated from Kaiba’s expression, leaving him frowning. “Maybe I am crazy,” Alastair conceded in a soft tone. “I’m putting myself in a position to be rejected. I know you don’t love me. It doesn’t matter. That’s just the way I feel.” He turned his head completely away, and added in a sullen murmur, “If you want to take back your offer to stay, I’ll understand.”
“Just because you said you love me?” Kaiba stared at his back. “Why should that make a difference?”
Alastair glanced cautiously back over his shoulder. “You’re not freaked out?”
“I’ve been having sex with you for the past six months, it’s too late to get freaked out.”
A wary smile curved Alastair’s lips. “Love isn’t the same as sex.”
“I know.” Kaiba shook his head. “Look…it’s late, we’re both tired and emotionally unstable…maybe this isn’t the kind of conversation we should be having.” He glanced down, mentally noting that they were also still quite naked. “This isn’t the way I expected the night to end.”
“No…” Alastair sat back on his hands, still looking away at the far wall. “But if we don’t have this conversation now, when will we? I don’t expect you to let your guard down so easily ever again.”
Kaiba stared at his hands in his lap. “I’ve never promised you anything, and I don’t intend to start now. I won’t change my ways or be anyone other than who I am.”
“I wouldn’t want that.” Alastair glanced at him again. “I’ve fallen in love with the man you are, not the man I wish you would be.” He gave a self-depreciative laugh. “Maybe you’re right and I am crazy, to love this cold, hard, sarcastic man and want to be with him so badly.”
That made Kaiba chuckle as well, breaking the mood just enough for Alastair to feel able to shift around and crawl back towards him. They sat and gazed at each other for a moment, and then Alastair laid his head on his companion’s shoulder. “I’m not asking you to change,” he said softly. “I don’t want anything from you. Anything at all. Your life is your own, and it’s up to you whether you feel like you could ever begin to share even the smallest part of it with me.”
“I already am,” Seto said heavily. “I know it’s not much, but…”
“It’s enough,” his partner murmured, leaning closer to brush his lips across Kaiba’s cheek. “You may not know how to say it, but I know you care. You wouldn’t have come to rescue me if you didn’t.”
Kaiba didn’t even nod to acknowledge that, but inwardly, he knew it was true. In some sense, he did care for Alastair, whether it was because they were indeed so much alike and shared so many life experiences, or just because he had intruded on Kaiba’s life so significantly and couldn’t be ignored. He lifted a hand off the bed and caressed from Alastair’s cheek down his neck to his chest. “If I hadn’t,” he noted, “you wouldn’t be here right now, enjoying my bed.”
“And don’t think I’m not grateful.” Alastair chuckled faintly, finally cracking a smile after their long, rough conversation. “I think maybe you’re right. It’s late, we should get some sleep.” He smiled temptingly as he crawled across the bed to the pillows, intending to claim one and flop down before his position in the bed could be revoked. “I guess I’ll just have to hang around and keep talking to you in the hope that someday you might choose of your own volition to change your mind about other subjects.”
“What other subjects?” Kaiba wondered in sincere confusion.
“The ones that got us started on this whole discussion in the first place.”
“Oh. That.” Kaiba rolled his eyes as he fumbled with the sheets, trying to straighten them out so they could both crawl under. “Don’t hold your breath.”
Alastair gave another giggle in agreement as he stretched out and tucked a pillow under his head. Almost instantly, his body flushed with heat as he felt Kaiba curl up beside him and throw an arm over him, so that their naked bodies fit perfectly against each other. Seto would never admit to need, not even with his emotions rattled and tears in his eyes, but they both subconsciously knew that he had asked for this precisely because of it. Staying the night was not about convenience or comfort, because Kaiba was used to being alone in his big bed and disliked having to alter his routine even just enough to accommodate another body next to him. But there he was, wrapped around Alastair, nestling his head down so that his breath could be felt on the back of his partner’s neck. The difficult talk had exhausted him, he fell asleep almost immediately, perhaps hastened by the gentle touch of Alastair’s fingertips on the back of his hand, caressing in a small circle. The red-haired young man lay awake a while longer, pondering some, but mostly just feeling what it was like to be held. The lean, strong body pressed up against his relaxed completely and slumped into him, as Kaiba’s unconscious mind caused him to seek out what he wouldn’t let himself have in his waking alertness. The arm around Alastair’s waist tightened, and he felt Kaiba sigh, his chest heaving, before his cheek came to rest on the back of Alastair’s neck. Smiling to himself, Alastair closed his eyes and let himself drift off. Despite everything, he felt safer than ever before in his life.